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Memory #2

June 3, 2012

VW Beetle "Wäinö" Lahti

I was out with my husband today when I saw a vehicle I liked many years ago. Back then, I needed a vehicle because I was driving an old clunker that was about to croak. I mentioned to my Mother that I was going to buy this vehicle I liked. I certainly was not asking for her to pay for it or to help me in any way. I was just making conversation. She got really, really angry at my wish to buy a new vehicle.  She gave me so much grief that I just let go of the idea. She would have made my life hell if I had gone ahead and bought this vehicle. So, I drove the one I had until it did die. My Mother then insisted that I borrow an old car of hers, which I suppose was nice but it wasn’t really. She complained all the time about it and made sure everyone heard what a low life I was for borrowing her car. She was always notorious for saying bad things about me behind my back to everyone who would listen. She complained in such a sweet way and acted like a doting Mother so I am sure she was quite convincing. She got to play the victim and paint me as a bad person by doing this. She was the loving, sacrificing Mother of a bad daughter. Since she never said these things to my face, I never could defend myself. I am sure I did not hear most of the mean things she said about me behind my back. What small bits I did hear were enough to choke a mule.

I finally got tired of her complaining that I was borrowing her car.  I knew that she did not like the idea of my getting a new car.  She made that perfectly clear as well. She liked putting me in positions where I could not win. If I bought a car she would be mad. If I didn’t get one she would be mad. I finally bought a car, not the one I wanted but a neat car that was good deal. If I didn’t get the one I wanted, I figured she might leave me alone. While I did not buy the one I wanted I did indeed buy a really cute, sporty car. Big mistake. She was soooooo angry about that. She feigned concern that she thought my sporty car was dangerous. She was just pissed because it was a cool car and it was mine. Her complaints were relentless and went on for about a year. To shut her up, I finally traded in my sporty car for a practical one like she insisted that I should drive. I bought it and paid for it but she dictated the car I could have as best she could. She never liked it if I had anything nice. Certainly she didn’t want me to have anything better than what she had.

I was an adult when all of this went down with my Mother. I look back and realize I should have told her to go to hell and leave me alone. I could have bought any darn car I wanted. I was a young adult at the time but I had never bought a vehicle on my own before so it was a big process for me. My Mother had helped me financially with my old cars so she rubbed that in my face. Because she had helped me in the past, somehow I felt I needed to do what she wanted, even as an adult. She always used a lot of guilt tactics on me and they worked. She fed me and gave me a place to sleep when I was a kid so she felt she owned me and had the right to dictate the details of my life.

I saw a vehicle today like the one I had mentioned to her so many years ago that I wanted to buy. I still think  it is a cool vehicle. I am sorry I did not go ahead and buy it. You see, somehow, every day of my life there is something that pops up that triggers a bad memory. This was the memory today. It is not such a traumatic memory but an annoying memory for sure.

  1. It’s a strange feeling when you realize your own mother is jealous of you and doesn’t want you to be happy or to progress in your life. It is such a normal need to want approval from your mother that it takes years for you to finally accept that you don’t need her approval.

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