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Positive Experience #1

June 7, 2012

Memories Of Christmas with variant cover.

I realized tonight that all of my posts so far have been a series of rotten memories about my Mother. That actually is intent my blog. I want to somehow rid myself of my bad memories so they will not rise up to the surface of my consciousness so often. Writing hopefully will help with that. I think it is helping in fact. I already feel a bit different. During the course of a day, when a bad memory surfaces, it doesn’t just feel miserable now. I think about how I will write about the memory. I actually feel excited about writing it out and letting it go.

I suspect clearing myself of bad memories will be like house cleaning. Dirt and dust keep coming back and it is an ongoing process to keep a house clean. I suspect it will be an ongoing process to clear out the junky thoughts about my Mother. It is all right though. I am feeling more in control about it already. I am in control of the junky thoughts. They hopefully will control me less and less.

It is not like I have never worked on the memories of my Mother. I have been in therapy a couple of times in my life. I have read tons of self-help books. I have processed so much stuff but while I understand a lot of things, the memories haunt me. It is sort of like have post traumatic shock. The thoughts pop up and they are hard and harsh. There have been many days when I have been emotionally paralyzed despite the insights and awareness.

I want to do this final stage of letting go of bad memories for a number of reasons:

1. I do not like my Mother. I am tired of the hurt I have felt due to her. Thinking about her gives her power somehow. I don’t think she deserves my time or attention. If I do not think about her or get hurt by her or my memories of her, she will have less power.

2.  I want to do this because she is an older woman and she is in fragile health. She won’t be on this planet much longer. I don’t want to be tortured by her after she is gone. Death will not get my Mother out of my mind. I have to do that. I have given up the hope of reconciliation or making peace with her. There will never be love or happiness between us. As it is now with her, things are pretty neutral. We talk on the phone every week or two. It is a few minutes of me listening to her give me updates on her life. I give her very little information on my life. I call her and accept her calls out of no particular reason but to try to keep the peace and let the old woman live out her life. My Mother is a very superficial woman who cares about appearances. She has pretended to be a loving Mother. She isn’t and she wasn’t but the illusion is all that matters to her. If I don’t keep some level of contact, it causes big problems. It is easier for me to keep the phony relationship going on this level of minimum contact than to try to heal the relationship or end it. I have tried everything I have known to try and nothing has worked. It is impossible to make someone love me. It is impossible to change someone. The only person I can change is myself.

3. I want to let go of my memories of her because it makes my Mother happy to see me suffer or to know that I am suffering. I am not going to give that to her any longer. I have felt suicidal in my life but I gave up that line of thinking years and years ago. I believe that if someone feels suicidal it is because someone wants that person dead. I really believe that. If I have suicidal thoughts cross my mind, I start thinking about who wants me dead. There is no way I am going to give my Mother or anyone else that satisfaction. If there is something wrong in my life, it is seldom what is wrong. It is almost always who is wrong in my life. I figure happiness is truly the best revenge of all. I am going to rid myself of my bad memories, or at least minimize their impact so I can live the rest of my days in peace and happiness. My Mother’s agenda has been to hurt me. My agenda is to not hurt. I fully plan to have victory.

Letting go of bad memories is half of the equation. Filling my life with warmth and goodness is the other half so I am going to add another section to my blog. It is a section on good experiences and positive outcomes. Good things can come from hard experiences. The truth is I feel extremely blessed. In some weird way, I am very, very grateful to my Mother. Because of her, I am the person I am. I like who I am. I  didn’t become who I am easily. I feel like I was beaten and pounded to become something better than I perhaps would have been if I had been given an easier life. I don’t want to be a bitter person. I want to be a better person. So, I am going to write out something positive for each negative memory I record from now on.

Positive Experience #1

At the doctor’s office yesterday where I had my first mammogram since my surgery, I was so happy to get my results within minutes of them taking the film. No cancer. That is a happy thing. It is a very happy thing. I was worried. I hugged the doctor and did a happy dance. I took a bag of candy for them to appointment and I gave it to them after my happy dance. I would have given it to them even if it had been bad news. I wanted to take them candy because I remember how kind they were to me a year ago when they told me I had breast cancer. I remember when they did the biopsy how one woman helped the doctor. It took a long time and they were very gentle and very kind to me. It was late in the afternoon and I knew they were tired. I could tell they were very focused and that they were doing their absolute best during the procedure. What also was amazing to me that day was a 3rd woman who was in the room. She and I had chatted for a few moments before the procedure began. She really did not have to be in the room when they did the biopsy but she stayed and held my hand throughout the procedure. She stood on her tired feet the entire time. She didn’t have to do that. She did it just to be kind to me.

Last year when the doctor had told me she was sure I had breast cancer even before the biopsy based on the mammogram and the ultrasound results, she was very choked up and had a hard time talking. That shocked me almost as much as hearing that I had breast cancer. A woman who did not know me felt sad that I had cancer. This other woman who did not know me stood on her feet for over an hour holding my hand just to comfort me while I had the biopsy. Comfort me? Wow!

In this life, while my Mother has not behaved as a loving Mother, somehow when I have been in great need of love and compassion, I have received it, often from strangers like the women I mentioned. I am extremely grateful.

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2 Comments
  1. One thing I have needed to do since the first day after breaking up with my Monster…1st, I had to realize that the memories, second-guessing of myself, and lingering PTSD and anxiety were not from me. They were ALL due to his torment and input. 2nd, I absolutely had to rid my thoughts of all of his brainwashing and input. I had to drown out the negative with my own POSITIVE thoughts.

    I had to literally fight every day, each negative thought (that he fed me for over a year), to recognize and tell myself “That’s not YOUR thoughts”, then replace them with something…ANYTHING…positive., ie: “that’s a beautiful flower over there”, or “I am not the person he tried to convince me of”.

    Each day I was noticing his voice dwindling, and my old self coming back a little at a time. As you write, and replace each negative input, put there by your Mother, you will start shining more and more. Unfortunately your memories will still be there, but they will be just a memory…not something that controls, anymore.

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