A friend of mine read my blog and she commented to me that my Mom must have been abused as a child. My Mother must have had a rotten Mother. I have thought about it. My Mother had a lot of siblings and they did not turn out like my Mom. Many of them have daughters and they love their daughters as well as their sons.
I didn’t know my maternal Grandfather but everyone always described him as a kind and gentle soul. My maternal Grandmother was not warm or fuzzy. I did not particularly like her but I was not afraid of her. I actually enjoyed being with her when she was elderly. None of their kids were or are warm and fuzzy. I don’t really believe my Mother or her siblings were abused. I think some childhoods can be so horrific that the kids are messed up for life. A lot of abusers have been abused. My Dad had a hard childhood. He was not an abuser though. I had a hard childhood but I don’t think I have the right to be cruel to others. I will call people out for rotten behavior but I don’t pick fights or pick on people for sport or fun. I don’t think it is fun.
I actually think my Mom has a complex psychological profile. I think she has a narcissistic personality disorder. I also believe she has Munchausen’s Disease where she mostly pretends and exaggerates health issues for attention. My Mother will go to the Mayo Clinic for a sore toe. She has supposedly been in bad health and dying since I was a kid. My Mother had a career but her health made it so she never had to wash dishes, clean or do anything for anyone. She did special things for her élite group of people that she loved, or somehow wanted to impress or use. (I am not sure my Mother really loved or loves anyone.) My Mother’s health has always flared up when she is not the center of attention. For example, at a wedding, she called the ambulance to take her to the hospital. It took all eyes off the wedding and placed them my Mother of course. My Mother is in her mid 80’s and truthfully, most of her health issues have been inside her head. The doctors found a tiny place in her breast that they did a needle biopsy on a few years ago. They treated it with radiation. The doctor explained to me about the stages of cancer from 1-4 at that time. He said my Mother’s cancer really was a zero level. It was a place and it needed to be treated but it was not advanced cancer by any means. Naturally my Mother has called herself a survivor since then and after I had to have my boob cut off, she has claimed that she had a lumpectomy, which is a surgical procedure where they remove part of the breast tissue. She actually has been really upset, not that I had cancer, but that my cancer was more severe than hers. It is just crazy of course.
Some of my Mother’s chronic health problems have cleared up and flared up suddenly. I think she has had allergies but she has been to countless specialists in many states for a runny nose. She is a doctor shopper, a person who keeps checking out doctors until she finds one that tells her what she wants to hear. Her regular doctor told her that a tiny place on her leg was a wart. After a dozen more doctors who told her the same thing, she finally went to a dermatologist who told her it was cancer and that it needed to be removed immediately. They cut off the place in the office, but she tells everyone she had surgery. She was able to get people to bring her food and wait on her for several weeks. She has always wanted to be sick enough to get attention and get out of doing anything she does not want to do. She hasn’t want to be sick enough to miss out on anything she wants to do. She has manipulated people for as long as I can remember with her health.
There is another dimension beyond the personality disorders going on with my Mother. I think it is evil. I know that sounds harsh. It is harsh. I don’t say it lightly though. I don’t think the term evil should ever be used lightly. If you have not read M. Scott Peck‘s book, People of the Lie, do so. It explained evil in a way that helped me really understand the situation. Evil is subtle. It is not a devil with horns. Evil is confusing, an actual sign of itself. More than anything, I find my Mother to be confusing. I also found her to have similarities with the people Peck described in his book. For example, he talked of a boy who tried to kill himself. Peck was the shrink and he found out the parents had given the boy the gun his brother had used to shoot himself. They claimed they were poor and didn’t see a reason to let the gun go to waste. There are lots of examples of people who are evil. They are not mass murderers or cannibals. They are everyday people who do small, sick things.
I am not explaining it well. Check out the book. Peck is a magnificent writer. This book was recommended to me by one of my therapists after I had described my Mother to him. I was pretty shocked by this recommendation and the implications at first but over time, it made more and more sense to me. Another reason I suspect there is something evil in my Mother has to do with her eyes. I have seen her eyes go reptilian. Her eyes actually change and take on a snake appearance. When her eyes look like that, what I see in her eyes feels like pure hatred to me. I have seen this a few times with my Mother. I have only seen it once in another person. It is a horrifying thing to see. Hatred. It is chilling. Once while visiting my Mother, I was reading the paper while my Mother was looking at me. I was not looking at her. My husband was watching her though and he saw the look, the reptilian look. It scared the pee out of him. He is scared of my Mother. I am too. I have always been afraid of my Mother. Mortally afraid. That, to me is perhaps the biggest clue to evil. It is terrifying. There is something off when a child is terrified of a parent. My husband is fearless. To know he is afraid of her, scares me even more.
Sorry this is such a heavy blog entry.
- Narcissistic Personality Disorder (allaboutcounseling.com)
- Narcissism is its Own Dark Tale (krackedkillers.wordpress.com)
- Beware (patcegan.wordpress.com)