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Memory #9

June 13, 2012
The Wicked Witch of the East as pictured in Th...

The Wicked Witch of the East as pictured in The Tin Woodman of Oz by L. Frank Baum. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have felt guilty about my blog. I just started it recently. I am writing out my perceptions of my Mother and they are not nice. I am voicing my inner thoughts and my truth. I am doing it without revealing her identity. I still feel guilty about it though. I have thought about what if she finds out. What if she reads it? What if my sibling discovers my blog?

I do care. I care a lot, but why do I care? My Mother hates me already. My brother wouldn’t want to know. He has no wish to hear my story or to stir my Mother up by telling her about my blog even if he saw it. I am not sure why I feel guilty. I don’t like saying unkind things about my Mother. I also don’t like that I don’t have anything but unkind things to say. I don’t have any good memories of her. I wish I did. I wish I did not feel a need to process my memories about her and try to rid myself of torment. I could do it in a journal like I have tried before. The thing is, I think I need a witness. I don’t know anyone reading my blog. Everyone is a stranger. Strangers will tell me straight I believe. Maybe I want feedback or insight from outside myself. Maybe I want to know I am not alone. I just got a response a minute or two ago where I was told someone else has a Mother like mine. I am sad for that, but it helps me though. I am not alone. There are people who get this. Having a mean Mother is a weird subculture. It is hard to connect to others because it so taboo to talk about having a mean Mother. No one wants to believe such Mothers exist. Most Mothers are not mean.

I do not have a particular memory of my Mother that bothered me today. What I had was an overall scared, uncomfortable feeling that my Mother would find out that I have less than rave reviews of her and that somehow, that it a horrible, horrible thing. I am so conditioned to feel guilty when I have unkind thoughts about her unkind behavior. It is always somehow me that is the problem. She does something rotten, and I am the bad person for not accepting it. There is tremendous fear as well.

I am so tired of being the bad person. My Mother has convinced me that I am just worthless. I am supposed to be an extension of her and think what she thinks and love her no matter what. I know that is nonsense, but that is the unspoken agenda of insane, mean Mothers toward their targeted children. I can’t accept it or agree with it, but I feel rotten for speaking out and saying what I actually think. I am going to keep writing until I feel comfortable and at peace for feeling what I feel and thinking what I think. Breaking out of hell  is not an easy task.

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8 Comments
  1. Lilly, your entire blog entry is the answer to your question, “Why do I feel so guilty, writing about…”

    Throughout both our lives (please pardon the presumptuousness), we were jumped on about mistakes, presumed mistakes, etc. You have been conditioned to anticipate the proverbial bomb, as have I. It’s the anticipation that creates fear, worry, and everything else. The guilt is because your ‘lovely’ mother made you feel guilty (ie: feel shame) for absolutely everything she could…made up or not. It was a tool she used to control you. It was a calculated means to an end for her.

    The good thing, here, is that you recognize how you feel, writing this blog. It gives you a starting point to move forward. Decide what you want changed. If your mother finds this blog (and I understand the fear, believe me!), what can she do? Nothing that she hasn’t already done. The difference is now your experiences have been made public. If she’s found your blog, she also knows this. It’s the best defense, I assure you. Abusers almost NEVER abuse in public. They don’t want to be discovered, found-out, or accused by their peers. They don’t want to be exposed as the monsters they are. They only want to continue feeling like they are good at their game. It gives them power (in a way) to know they are manipulating EVERYONE and that it’s working.

    Peace to you…especially in your heart. Find some positives today, to drown out her BS lies. You deserve a break today 🙂

    • You are awesome. Thank you so very much for yor post. I just havd to read and re-read and read again to believe someone really understands what I am saying and gets the weirdness of my Mother. I am already so grateful for this blog. It has brought in understanding and insight. I was worried I would get lots of comments that I am a horrible person for having the feelings I have about my Mother…how could I dare say such things….couldn’t be true…I am a selfish person etc etc. I anticipated lectures on how Mothers just love and sacrifice. I had some worry that this blog could just cause more trauma and pain. I am so grateful to you and to others who have commented and given me hope and encouragement. I am very appreciative. Thank you for making my heart be at peace today just as you wished. May God Bless.

      • When I started my blog, I was in much the same place you are right now. It was very freeing to find someone else who could relate to what I had been through. Once I knew I wasn’t alone in the world, I was ok to start taking the steps I needed. Everyone’s insight from that point on, has been my life’s breath. Blogging is a great avenue! I didn’t know where to start, and was still questioning my own sanity…until I read other’s accounts of their own lives. From there, things have continued to flow. In some areas, faster than I can seem to keep up with. I’m grateful for everyone I’ve met, here!

  2. Hey, you!! Here’s another blog I wanted to introduce to you. Its by VicariousRising.. http://dancingmyself.wordpress.com/

    She too, has experienced a lot of what you have dealt with. I thought you might find her blog helpful, too 😀

    Hope you are having a wonderful day!

  3. Hi: Wow! I checked out her blog and I was blown away. I read the section where she describes the Narcissistic Mother. EVERY single thing fit my Mother. How in the world do people become like that? Why are they like that? What kind of pleasure or purpose can be found in being so rotten mean? It was the best description I have ever read. Thank you for recommending this blog. I am following it now, as I am yours. I think you and I must be kindred souls. Thank you for everything. Joy to you, always.

    • Those are the same questions i was plagued with from the beginning of my (what I call) exodus from my X-monster. We are brought up to believe most people are kind and honest. We are reprimanded for suggesting anything else. The best answer is, “it just IS”. No good, understandable reason for us to ascertain. It took me months to be ok with that “non” answer. Another suggestion. Look up Sam Vaknin on youtube.com. He is a clinically diagnosed narcissist/psychopath, though he wears that diagnosis like a badge of honor. He is very open about the traits of Narcissism and Psychopathy. His videos were very helpful to me, too. Especially “I, Psychopath”. Time for bed, for this bumpkin :D. Enjoy your freedom, tonight 🙂

  4. Thank you for your suggestions. I watched the Sam Vaknin videos. I stayed up way too late that night because they were just amazing. It is sad and weird somehow.

  5. gothrules permalink

    Penelope Trunk, the famous Brazen Careerist who has been blogging for what must be 10 years now, revealed to the world that she was sexually abused by her father during her teens and as late as the age of 21. She said she is tired of secrets and tired of hiding. That took serious courage. I dont think anything negative has come of that. She is a businesswoman who writes books and interacts with a lot of corporate types but she hasn`t lost clients so far as i can tell. One day you just might stop hiding your mother`s identity and let her deal with public responses as she should.

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