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Memory #13

June 26, 2012
Pink In Honor Of Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Pink In Honor Of Breast Cancer Awareness Month (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sticks and Stones Can Break the Bones but Words, oh my, Words Can Break the Heart… and the spirit and the health and the will……..

This is a blog and I am not a journalist or a scholar. I am just a simple person who can say what I think even if it sounds nuts. What I am about to write may well indeed be nuts.

I have written about having had breast cancer. I learned I had breast cancer in June, 2011. I had the surgery in August of last year. It has been quite a journey. Of course it was a frightening, horrible journey but there are rainbows after even the darkest storms. I have experienced some rainbows on my journey and I am grateful for them. Cancer has changed me and how I view life. Cancer makes some things in life very, very clear. This clarity also might be considered a madness of sorts! For me, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what caused me to develop breast cancer. I am not sure there really is a specific cause. Cancer happens. I get mad when people sort of blame a cancer patient for having cancer. Maybe they smoke. Maybe they are fat. Maybe they don’t exercise. Maybe they deserve it for one reason or another. No one deserves cancer. I don’t know a single person who doesn’t have something they are coping with or trying to change such as weight, habits, thoughts or something. This being human thing is not easy and when we fall short, we simply fall short. Cancer is a tragedy and it is not nice to blame someone for it no matter what.

Here is what I believe that is sort of nuts: I sort of believe my Mother triggered my cancer. Yes, yes, I know how crazy that sounds. Let me explain. I believe that thoughts have power. I believe when we think bad things about people it can actually hurt them somehow. Hatred hurts people. For me, I think my Mother’s hatred triggered my cancer. It was on an Easter a couple of years ago when I called to wish my Mother Happy Easter. It was a simple, easy conversation but for some reason my Mother went off on me. She told me I should be ashamed of myself. She told me no one could love me. She told me no one had ever loved me. No one could ever love me. She told me I had never been anything but trouble for the family. I did not deserve anything. I am a bad person. It went on and on in that vein. I have heard my Mother say rotten things to me and about me, but this was a concentrated dose of hatred and it came from nowhere. There was nothing to provoke her or to bring forth this sort of talk. I felt a stab in my chest. I actually felt it and I about fainted. After about 10 minutes, I just could not listen to her words any longer. My husband was in the room and he saw me struggling. I had gone pale and limp. I just handed the phone to my him and he started listening to her without saying a word for several minutes. I guess it shocked my Mother when she found out he was on the phone. She was already committed though so she did not back down. She spent over an hour trying to convince my husband that I am worthless and unworthy. My dear husband told her that he loved me and that if my Mother were a man, he would beat the hell out of her. She ignored that. She got mad at him for taking my side! It was just crazy talk. The thing that was unique about this situation was that it was the first time there was ever a witness to my Mother saying such things in such an attack mode. She always cornered me alone in the past to say rotten things to me. She was caught. She could not tell everyone I was crazy or how sensitive I was or how she was just joking this time. My husband heard what she said and she could not pretend it did not happen or somehow blame me for it.

This rampage upset me terribly. I could barely walk for several days. I was sort of a zombie. That is unlike me. I felt like I had been kicked in the chest. I think this somehow triggered my breast cancer. I know it is nuts, but I really do believe it.

I am sure someone, somewhere must be thinking what is the other side of the story? Why would my Mother say such things? What did I do to bring this out in her? Good questions. I spent most of my life thinking I somehow did something to provoke her and that I somehow must deserve such outbursts. I can tell you very clearly that no one deserves this. I don’t care what they have done or who they are. Every single one of us on this earth is lovable to someone. I think all of us are God’s children. I think to insult anyone like this is to insult God. It is rather a crime against humanity to belittle anyone in such a way. It has taken me a long time to come to this awareness. I am guilty of just being alive. That is what provoked my Mother. It was Easter, a holy day, when my Mother went off. Evil loves to ruin holy days.

I am not a saint. I am nothing special. I am just a normal person. I have never been in any big trouble or had any big problems. I have worked and lived my life doing the best I know how along they way. I try to be good to people. I try to give more than I take. I try to leave situations better than I find them. I tried and tried to make my Mother happy but nothing ever worked. My Mother amazes me. She knows a man who is in prison for being a serial killer. Seriously. She writes to him and only has nice things to say about him! She has loved and bragged about people she knows who have never worked, who have been drug addicts and alcoholics and such. I am not trying to be without compassion or understanding of people with all sorts of problems, but I have never had any of these behaviors but I am not worthy of love like they are. It blows my mind.

I said one thing that was not nice to my Mother that day on the phone. I told her I had tried to love her. I have tried. I am still trying. Right or wrong. I really do not like the woman though. I am grateful to my Mother in my own sort of way. I told you there is always a rainbow. Thanks to my Mother, I find it pretty easy to love most people. If someone doesn’t hurt me or others, I am fine with them. I don’t care what they look like, what they do for a living or anything. If a person does not cause harm, I find it easy to love that person… or at least appreciate that person and find value in him or her.

Maybe I am special. I think that is a thought that has become clear. You are special too. We are all special and unique, like flowers. God made us and I don’t believe God makes junk. We are all worthy of love. We have a right to be alive and to be on this planet. Try as she might, my Mother no longer has the power to make me feel unworthy of life. She is just wrong.

  1. I believe that stress causes all SORTS of things…including cancers.

    You are a beautiful lady. It’s a shame that you haven’t heard that from your mother. She’s the FIRST person that SHOULD have told you that!

    You are right…you’re worthy of life, love and the (not only the pursuit) CLAIMING of happiness. Attaining it, running with it, laughing, playing, and loving. Sometimes it really is our own hell that creates a wonderful life as a result.

    These days I am starting to believe that my life with my X, was placed there as a wake-up call. I had areas that I needed to change, desperately! Without my experience, I would still be blind to them. I hate having to learn new lessons…it’s always uncomfortable and PAINFUL! But, the end result is always so much better 😀

    Good for you, Lilly!!!

  2. Thank you for your words. You always know the right things to say to make me feel validated and better. I appreciate that. I am with you, these new lessons are painful! Sometimes I would be fine with missing some rainbows in order to avoid the storms that precede them! I love your blog by the way. You are awesome! You are a good person and you do a lot of good in this world. You are helping so many people by sharing your experiences. Your voice is like a torch that helps break the darkness in so many peoples’ lives. Thank you very much! Lilly

  3. gothrules permalink

    One thing I would personally never do is to argue with her as your well-intentioned husband did (I love that man!). You aren’t going to win. It’s like trying to turn a cactus into a daffodil. it just won’t happen. Don’t waste your life and your happiness on someone this sick, because clearly this woman is mentally ill, whether or not she has been diagnosed. And you can’t save her from herself. There will always be someone to answer to for treating people with evil. I believe that as truly as I believe that your mother’s bitterness caused your cancer. You aren’t the one who needs saving. She is. And it won’t happen.

  4. Wow. You are a powerhouse of insight and clarity. I think you are right on about the pointlessness of arguing with someone like this. I really, really appreciate your perspective. I find it encouraging, helpful and clear. I truly am sort of blown away by how concisely you summed up the situation. I read all of your comments today and they all strike me this way. Thank you. How did you become so wise? Have you been on this journey? Do you know people like my Mom?

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