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Memory #14

June 28, 2012

Intricate stained glass inside the Cathedral

I hate being haunted my bad memories. Today I am sitting on the couch messing on my computer thinking I feel good. I always take a few minutes early in my day to sit and have a cup of coffee as I check my email. I can hear birds chirping and I can see my dogs playing. I glance to the window and I see a beautiful piece of stained glass. It is a round piece of stained glass that I bought several years ago. A memory hits. I remember when I bought this piece of stained glass. I showed it to my Mother soon after I purchased it. She just looked at it and said something to the effect that whoever made it sure didn’t have good taste in colors. My mood drops. The world feels darker. The birds stop chirping. My dogs start barking.

If this were an isolated memory, maybe it would not feel so rotten. This was a typical sort of response my Mother gave me to anything I ever bought or made or showed her. It was the response to anything I ever gave her. It is an endless stream of memories this one little piece of stained glass evokes. I remember singing in church beside my Mother as a little girl. I remember her getting so tickled in church. She whispered to me that it was my singing that was making her laugh. I remember how I was in the band and how I was in my first concert with the band. After the concert, everyone was telling me how wonderful  it was. My Mother, my dear Mother just had one comment, a question. She asked me if it was me who squeaked my horn during the concert.

I quit singing and I quit the band.

I really don’t know if I believe in hell. I think God is love and I don’t really believe a truly loving parent would allow even the most rotten of his kids to suffer endless torment. I think a loving parent would want his kids to learn and be better. I suspect a loving parent, a loving God, would never ever give up on a child. I have never wished my Mother to have to go to hell but I have prayed countless prayers where I have asked God to let my Mother eventually be accountable for the torture and pain she has inflicted upon me. I just want her to be faced with the truth of her behavior and not be able to lie or wiggle free of it.

My Mother did not beat me or engage in clearly abusive acts. She did ongoing little things day in and day out all of my life. It never stops. Even today, when I call her, I have to tell her who I am on the phone first thing otherwise she will ask if it is so and so….a  person she hates, a person she knows I know she hates, calling. She recognizes my voice but she finds a little way to let me know I am, in her mind, just like another person she hates.

  1. “…but I have prayed countless prayers where I have asked God to let my Mother eventually be accountable for the torture and pain she has inflicted upon me. I just want her to be faced with the truth of her behavior and not be able to lie or wiggle free of it.”

    Yes. YES!!!

  2. barbara joy permalink

    The relationship with our mother is the first and most important relationship we ever form. We look to our mothers for a reaction to help us form our opinions on who we think we are. When all we get is covertly placed snide remarks and in the best of times apathy, it leaves a mark on us that sometimes takes years to undo. The best thing we can all do for ourselves is look to the future and surround yourself with a new “manufactured family”, one that you create out of love and not biology. Keeping in mind you really can enjoy your memories because they made you strong,and empathic to other peoples feelings and circumstances. Keep writing its good for all of us!

  3. miss Lilly…WHERE are You?? We haven’t heard anything from you in quite some time. I hope you are doing ok, and this finds you well and happy 🙂

    • Thank you for your note! I am fine. I have been very busy with some lazy, exhausted moments. I am sorry I haven’t been writing. I plan to return to the blog at the first of the year. I have been reading your blog and have enjoyed it and have been learning from it. You are a brave soul and I admire you very much.

      • I was worried for you. You are in a very important place with your healing. I didn’t want you to give up on it. Enjoy your Thanksgiving time with your family. Hold your head high! You are beautiful 😀

  4. Lilly,
    You sound like a great person. Your mother sounds mentally ill. My mother wasn’t like your’s-she was embarrassing, not evil. She used to “screech” at people when mad which was embarrassing. When I got married and moved out, she had cut out the pictures of my boyfriends from high school albums. She did things that can’t be explained-that she didn’t do to my sisters. In her last years, I was kind to her because I was the only one left here. I think she just had problems she couldn’t work through. I’ve had to let her oddities go so that I could have a happy life. You deserve that too, even if your mother has tried to ruin that, don’t let her. Anytime she does something you think is bizarre or evil, just tell yourself it’s the mental illness. No one normal would do the things you mentioned.

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