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I am not dead… 2013 and all is well…Positve Thought #8

January 8, 2013

I haven’t written in several months. I am not sure why. I love writing and thinking. I enjoy my blog. I think it is the nature of my blog that is bothering me. I am indeed haunted by my crazy Mother and I started the blog to work through all of that residual nonsense that follows me like a shadow.

I got sort of sick of it truthfully. My Mother robbed me of so much happiness. It is bad enough that my memories are always with me and easily triggered. Writing about it every day sort of puts it too much in my face and into my awareness. I don’t want to give my Mother or my bad memories any extra fuel. I am a middle-aged woman and truthfully I have mostly worked through my “feelings.” I say that in a snotty way of course. Feelings. I don’t half have feelings but I really have processed my childhood and my Mother. I have not resolved anything. I cannot. I cannot and will not ever understand human cruelty. I will not ever understand emotional abuse. It is evil and it is beyond my comprehension. The best I can do is recognize it happened to me. It had an impact. I have to work through things that stem from that every day, or many times a day. Abuse is not something you resolve or find closure with….it just doesn’t happen. You learn to cope. That is the best one can do. At least it is the best I can do. It is like the death of my Dad. I will never be over that. I will never have closure. I will always miss my Dad and have a longing in my heart. I can keep living. I can smile. I can laugh. I can love. I can go on. I have gone on. It doesn’t mean I am over it. Abuse and loss are scars on our heart and souls that just travel with us.

I wrote a lot about my breast cancer in my blog. I am cancer free but having had breast cancer is also like abuse and loss. It is always there somehow. A certain amount of writing about it is helpful. Putting too much energy into writing about it also puts it too much into my awareness.

So what am I trying to say here. I think I just don’t like having a theme…abuse, loss, cancer or anything in particular. There are so many aspects to who I am. I don’t say that in a self-promoting sort of way. I am a simple person but there is more to me than my early life with my crazy Mother, or my history of breast cancer. I think I am just going to write whatever I want! Mostly, I want to write about gratitude. Writing about that was really helpful to me. I get annoyed and frustrated all the time. The thing is, I have to work on being centered and clear. I have to work on being who I want to be in life. I don’t want to be some annoyed, frustrated person. I want to be a grateful person. I want to focus on thoughts and feelings that elevate me above my grumpy, afraid, neurotic self. I am going to continue my blog, hopefully with more consistency, but I am not sure what I am going to write except hopefully uplifting things. With that…here goes…

Today, I am grateful that I read a blog on a beautiful woman with stage 4 breast cancer. I love her spirit and her words. I am amazed at human beings. There is something so noble, so beautiful and so inspiring in people, just regular people, going through life. Warts and all, I think somehow we are actually incredible beings. I am grateful to be a part of this incredible world with incredible people.

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6 Comments
  1. I am happy to see you back. I cannot think of a better goal than to write to rise about our neurotic, grumpy selves, and that you do so in the aftermath of cancer, is inspirational. Ruth’s blog We Are One does that as well, and I always learn from her. Welcome back to blogging and I look forward to reading more. CS

  2. Good to see you back!

  3. Welcome back! I understand the want to move on to different topics. You’ve lived through the trauma, and somehow in writing about it, we re-live it. We have lots of room to grow and evolve past the damaging parts of our lives. Do whatever lifts your spirit! This in itself is empowering! Good to see you back 😀

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