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My Inner Bitch, Positive Experience #12

January 14, 2013

I know, that does not sound nice but I am grateful I am in touch with my inner bitch! I have learned not to be shoved around, bossed around, intimidated, manipulated, used or abused. It took me a half a century, almost, but I am there.

I really dislike bullies and mean, selfish, self-centered, creepy people who are like parasites feeding off of other people. There are the obvious people who try to shove and push people around to get what they want. What is worse are the sweet people who are so cunning in trying to shove and push people around for their own ends. I also am not fond of people who I rather consider to be vampires of sorts… people who somehow or another leave me feeling tired, drained and exhausted. These vampires also like to leave me feeling guilty that I don’t have more to give.

I was not allowed to be angry as a child. It just was not tolerated by my Mother. My needs, wants and emotions were all ignored, ridiculed or beat out of me with emotional cruelty. I was born to serve. I was not allowed to question anything. If my Mother got mad, it was always my fault even if I was not around or involved in anything connected to her anger. I was just a place to dump her anger. I found my Mother a frightening person and I learned to be really good at trying to arrange all I could to keep her calm. Kids from emotionally abusive homes are almost psychic. Their survival depends on learning how to read an abuser’s moods, needs and wants. A child will clean, cook, fetch, be quiet, be still or do about anything to keep a lunatic parent from going off into a rage from hell. Of course, nothing ever works to prevent a lunatic from going off, but kids try. With abusive parents, rules change all of the time so it is very hard to predict what will set off a nut.

My Mother, to this day, snorts like a bull when she is about to be whacko. Her breathing pattern is something I am very attuned to naturally. I still am afraid of it but perhaps not as much as I was when I was a kid. I can at least now consciously talk myself down from being afraid because the reality is, my Mother is not a threat to me any longer. She is just a pathetic old woman and I can have nothing to do with her if she gets into her breathing like a bull about to kill me mode.

It is hard to change out of patterns to serve and do for others as a child of an abusive parent. I never realized I had any choice but to be a servant. If someone asked for something, it was my job to take care of that person somehow. If someone got angry, I always assumed it was my fault.

I can’t begin to explain how I worked through all of this garbage over the years. I slowly began to realize that my feelings mattered too. If someone got mad, I finally began to think so what? Let that person be mad. If someone spoke in an unkind manner to me, I slowly learned that I didn’t have to work with this person to make them okay. I learned to walk away or to actually tell them to shut the hell up. I don’t actually say words like that often, but I am not afraid to do so if necessary and I am certainly not afraid to tell someone to stop it if they are out of line with me.

People use to con me into doing all kinds of things. Would you like to bake a pie and take it to so and so? Would you like to give a lot of money to some cause? Would you like to answer a few questions from some telemarketer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don’t bake stuff unless I want to. I don’t give stuff to anyone if I don’t want to. I don’t talk to anyone if I don’t feel like it. I am not rude generally, but if someone is pushy or aggressive, I can be rude. I am very willing to give and to do for others but I am not going to be pushed or manipulated into doing anything. I am not going respond well to some guilt trip either.

I burned myself out in life by giving and doing for others. This may sound selfish, but I finally decided that my job in life is to take care of myself first and foremost. God gave me this life and it is my job to take care of myself mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. After I am taken care of, I can share and care about others. I think that actually makes sense. I can’t do anything for others if I am broken.

I have learned to have some fun with my more assertive, self-caring nature. Sometimes a friend or acquaintance might ask me if I feel like fixing them a sandwich or something. I will simply say no. I laugh but I say no. I ask them if something is wrong with their legs. Really, I can’t imagine asking my friends to go fetch me a sandwich. I might ask if I can have a sandwich but I don’t expect anyone to wait on me.

People use the term bitch in a negative way. Being called a bitch is a compliment to me now. I actually don’t know if I have been called that too many times, if ever, but I look at it as a compliment because from my observations, women are often called a bitch when they simply refuse to be a servant. They are considered a bitch when they stand up for themselves and not allow others to be rude or mean to them. If that is a bitch, I am there. And I say thanks.

I have figured out that if it is a choice between someone else being angry, or me being angry, I am really okay with letting the other person being mad. Let them be mad. I am here to take care of myself. Love, giving, caring and all of that stuff is not an obligation. It is a gift. No one owes me anything nor do I owe anyone anything. I love because I love. I give because I choose to give. I care because I choose to care. I will not be pushed, shoved or manipulated into being or doing anything. I feel so free and I am so grateful for that. Yeah to my inner bitch.

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2 Comments
  1. Sooooo many truths here!

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