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Men from Hell Positive Experience #14

January 16, 2013

I have had more than my share of relationships in my life. Most all of them were painful and heartbreaking. I was drawn to crazy men who used me and took me for granted. Those were actually the better men of my life. I did date some really wonderful men but I tended to run from those men very quickly. Any guy who was not troubled and who was nice to me seemed boring or off somehow. I also didn’t think a nice man would want me so I didn’t really take anything serious with nice men.

It is actually my Mother’s fault!!! I say that with a smile because I know it is silly to blame everything on a parent but in this case, there is a lot of truth in it. Most people are drawn to potential partners who are similar to the parent they had difficulty with as children. What we knew as children is what is familiar and it is what we recognize as love, comfort and security. We do not know what healthy love looks like or feels like because we haven’t had it. Soooooo…… we repeat the pattern of abuse with new partners. I had an abusive Mother. The men I dated were variations of my Mother only in male form. Whatever relationship issues we had as children gets played out as adults. It is a situation put in our lives to be resolved.

We cannot resolve the problems by repeating them but the problems will keep presenting themselves into our lives until we do in fact resolve them. It was through my adult relationships with men that I finally got clear on my Mother. What I did not like in the damaged men I dated was what I did not like in my Mother. I never realized I was dating my Mother until years had passed but I can see it now. I was looking for love and acceptance. In some weird way, it was looking to have the love I never got from my Mother. I certainly did not get it from the men I dated any more than I got it from my Mother. I went for years thinking I was un-loveable. I could not understand why men ended up hurting me. There was just such a sad, lonely, depressed, empty feeling in me because I could not find love. I thought I loved a lot of men I dated and the hurt came from them not loving me. It seemed to prove the point that my Mother told me many times in my life. No one could love me. I was un-loveable. That message had gone to my soul and somehow I believed it. That deep belief was the core of my unhappiness. It was the cause of my stupid choices with stupid, mean men.

Abuse is abuse is abuse no matter who it comes from. The challenge as an adult is to come to terms with abuse and all the emotional programming that goes with it. Abuse is not healthy. It is not love. We have to change who we are and how we think about ourselves to find healthy relationships. When we realize we do not deserve abuse, and we do not accept it, it will disappear from our lives.

There came a point, a very quiet, lonely point, when I was in my early 40s, where I gave up. Not in a bad sense of giving up, but in an acceptance. I was clear about abuse by this stage of my life. I knew I did not deserve it. Or at least I had decided that deserve it or not, I wasn’t going to put up with it or accept it in my life any longer. I was pretty sad because I was alienated from my family by then and was pretty much alone in the world. I had gone through lonely, alone spells before but I always had some hope that it could be different. This time I did not have that hope. I just recognized that I was alone. I did not like it but I finally accepted it and decided I would keep putting one foot in front of the other throughout the rest of my life and be glad. I could live alone and be alone without hope of it changing. It was actually very similar to the emotional process I went through with breast cancer. I learned I had breast cancer. I did not know if I would be on this earth for long. I wasn’t happy about it but what could I do? I could keep living with breast cancer until I died. I could go through all the things the doctor put in front of me. I could be happy for every day. That is all I could do. The rest was in God’s hands. That is how I felt about relationships when I say I gave up…or gave in….or accepted that I was alone. It was in God’s hands.

I think God works with us to transform our lives. When I gave up, or accepted that I was alone while also being clear that I would not accept abuse any longer, my now husband walked into my life. He came into my life within weeks of my entering this space of acceptance. I had known my husband as a child. I was best friends with his sister in grade school. His family had moved away when I was a teenager so I had not seen him in 30 years or so. His Mother died and through circumstances related to that, my husband entered my life. His sister called me to tell me about her Mom dying and that led to me talking to her brother. I found out later that his Mother had always wanted us to get together. I guess she pulled some strings from other side. I had always loved his Mother and had daydreamed of her being my Mother as a child.

My husband is very, very good to me. (I might add with a smile that he hates my Mother!) Not only is he good to me, he is protective of me. He has called my Mother out many times for being unkind to me. No one messes with me. He is my best friend. I am his best friend. All is not perfect. We have disagreements and silly arguments from time to time, but our lives are happy. We feel blessed. We are blessed. We are partners. My husband entered my life when I was finally ready to have love in my life. It would not have worked otherwise.

As an aside, my breast cancer worked out in a similar way. There was nothing I could do but accept a bad situation and do what I could do. When I found out I had breast cancer, my husband was with me. We came home and cried. My husband was beside himself in fear and grief. He got me on prayer circles around the world within 12 hours of hearing the diagnosis. They told me I had cancer before they did the biopsy. The cancer was very clear on the mammogram and the ultrasound. When I went in for the biopsy a few days later, while walking into the hospital, I closed my eyes for a moment and when I opened them, I thought I saw thousands of little angels. It was probably just the sun in my eyes, but this vision, hallucination or whatever it was, gave me peace. I thought each angel was a prayer that had been said on my behalf. When they did the biopsy, they could not find some of the places that they had seen only days before. The places they did find turned out to be stage 1 and stage 2 cancer, not stage 4 like I later learned that they had suspected. The cancer had not spread. I am now, after surgery, cancer free. I have to take a hard medicine daily but I did not have to have chemo or radiation. The point is, sometimes when we really just let go, accept….God takes over and when he is control, our lives are better than we could imagine possible. I am happily married and cancer free. Both are miracles.

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