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Limbo Thoughts…Not the Most Positive Experience #19

January 28, 2013

My Mother is like 150 years old. Okay, not really that old but you know what I mean. She is in fairly fragile health but she has been like that for as long as I can remember. She has always used her health to avoid things she does not want to do and she also uses her health to manipulate people. Her near death stuff is nonsense and always has been. She would not be so old if she was truly that near death for the past 50 years.

I feel guilty because I so dislike my Mother. I don’t want her to die, at least not consciously, but I am so tired of her ways. Is that awful? Yes, I suppose it is. I am truly in conflict about this.

I do not have any good or happy memories of my Mother. I mean that. Not one happy feeling or memory of her. She was always cruel to me emotionally. I am so beyond tired of her insults and snotty remarks. She just cannot help herself. She has been nicer to me since my breast cancer. No, let me rephrase that. She has not been nice. She has been less cruel to me. Despite this, I call her. I check on her. I give her the regular Christmas and Birthday gifts. I call her or visit on the holidays. I do what I can to meet the good daughter standard. Selfishly, I don’t do it so much for her as I do it for myself. I want to be a good daughter even if I think she is a creepy, mean Mother. I feel like I am responsible for my behavior and it is my role on this earth to be the best person I can be no matter who is in front of me. It is easy to be good to nice people. It is more of a challenge to be good to mean people. That is what we are supposed to do though. Of course that does not mean accepting abuse. I do not have a lot of contact with my Mother and I distance myself when she gets excessively mean. I am in control of that. I think it is okay to cut people out of your life. I have cut abusive people out of my life, but my Mother? It is complicated with a parent. I suppose some part of me has lived in hope that she would become a loving parent. I know that is very unlikely. Maybe I do it in the hope that before she leaves this earth she will find her way and repent. I hope before she dies she will give me an apology. I doubt that too but as long as she is alive, I suppose there is some hope.

I have a relative, a younger person, who is on his deathbed. The doctors have not given him months, but rather days to live. It is a terribly sad situation. My Mother is the hub of information about this relative so I called and asked her about him. She knows he is dying. She is the one who told me but when I called again to ask about him, my Mother ignored my question and started in talking about her poor health. It is always about her. It is always, always about her. I don’t say, “Yeah, yeah Mom, but how is my relative?” That is what I want to say. I listen to her go on and on about her imaginary illnesses and eventually I might be able to get her to give me an update on his health. Maybe.

I can predict the future here. My relative will die. My Mother will not tell me he has died. The family will all wonder why I am not involved. My Mother will be able to tell them I don’t care and that I am a rotten person. She will tell them that she told me he was very ill and not expected to live. A few weeks after the funeral and everything, she will tell me he died. She will be able to have a lot of victories from all of this. She will be able to paint me as a bad guy who does not care and she will come across as the devoted relative. This is all typical nonsense of my Mother. If I told my family after his death that my Mother had not told me, they would not believe me because of course, my Mother would have already told them that she had informed me. My Mother, after all, is not above a little lying when convenient. My Mother is not so much like this with other people so they would not doubt her. For some reason, I have always been the target to be set up to look bad by my Mother. I am the bad one. I always have been.

Thank goodness I have learned to predict my Mother’s patterns. I will call someone other than my Mother to get information so I will actually know when he dies and will be able to respond. I have already been in contact with his wife. That will upset my Mother. My ability to predict her and get around her is always shocking and annoying to her. This is just natural routine for me now. I wish I did not have to do this sort of dance to outwit her, but it is the way it is. I actually care about my relative and want to be involved. I don’t think my Mother gives a hoot about my relative. She just sees it as an opportunity to spread some ill will and misery in sneaky little ways.

Am I a bad person for being tired of this drama and these patterns? Am I crazy for thinking my Mother is not so nice? This is one of those situations where if I told someone, they would tell me she is old and that I am just being silly. She has always been like this so I don’t buy the old age excuse. Am I being irrational? I really would welcome some thoughts on this.

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3 Comments
  1. Lilly, you are not being irrational. You are being wise. I can only imagine what it would be like to have a mother like that. Though I know she isn’t, she should count her blessings to have a wonderful daughter to be there for her, to allow her the selfish self-centered lying rants she feeds you, and keep from turning your back to her. I do know, however, that sometimes it’s necessary to walk away from a situation like the one with your mother. It’s really not my place to advise your situation, but it might be in your best interest to end that relationship. With any type of narcissistic dance, the best thing for the survivor’s health and well-being is to have no contact. I realize guilt and familial overtones are strong ones in this situation. You are doing well in how you are handling everything. Better than I would ever be able to do in the same. You already know you can’t trust her to hold your best interests at heart. She’s only interested in her own. You are not being silly or anything else. You are right. Prayers going for you and your family as I can only guess how painful this is for you.. I am sorry to hear you are losing a loved one. I wish peace in your heart above all else.

    Please forgive me if i’ve overstepped my bounds. Hang in there, Dear 🙂

  2. Oh my, I thank you. Not overstepping…your words are very helpful and I find great comfort in them. I think I am nuts half the time. Your words help me feel sane. I know it would be better for me to have no contact. I do not want contact. My contact is very limited and controlled though. It is the path of least resistence and trouble for me. Also, I think I have some small degree of hope that she will change. Not likely. Not probable. I keep hoping for a miracle. It is like a hungry animal that comes for food at the door. The animal will bite. It is dangerous but it also is hungry and in need. It is hard to not feed it but it is tricky to feed it without getting hurt. I think maybe with kindness and love, change can happen. I feel bad that I am tired of it all though…

    Thank you for your words.

  3. gothrules permalink

    `This is a bit off-topic but you really are a survivor of a narcissistic mother. You are the scapegoat and your brother is the favored one. Oddly, your brother really hasn`t been treated a lot better. My understanding is that the favored child has to suck up to the narcissist all of his life or Mommy Dearest will shun him and make him feel awful about himself. In that sense your brother is tied to your mother as much as you are, just in a different way. Both relationships are terribly destructive. I believe your blogging and all of your survival skills where your mother is concerned are very necessary and therapeutic. Keep at it. p.s. Have you ever sent your mother a link to this blog. No doubt she would have a very interesting reaction.

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