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Prayers Protect and Heal…Positive Experience #20

January 30, 2013

I have my doubts about whether there really is a hell. I don’t know. I figure God is the perfect, loving parent and I can’t see a loving parent ever giving up on his kid no matter how rotten the kid may be. I just don’t know the answers to these big questions. Who does? We all have our beliefs but I don’t guess anyone really knows with certainty.

I do think there is evil. I think there is a lot of evil in the world in fact. I think some people are rather possessed to some degree by evil. I think my Mother is like that. I have seen pure hatred in her eyes. There is a spirit that takes over in her from time to time that is just plain frightening. It is a horror that frightens me beyond belief. I don’t really think it is my Mother. It is something IN my Mother. Evil has a presence that is beyond description.

I think my Mother fits the notion that evil comes in pretty packages. She is not a monster to behold and she is not blatant in her cruelty. Even with me, she says and does a lot of horrible stuff but I often don’t catch it immediately. She confuses me and after a lot of thought, I can catch the cruelty, but it isn’t apparent quickly most of the time. Of course, her snotty, insulting remarks are usually clear but she says them in sweet, clever ways that seem sort of funny initially. She is more obvious in her remarks to me when we are alone. I avoid being alone with her entirely now though. For one thing, I am afraid she will make up some nonsense about our alone time. I want a witness to everything with her. She could easily say that I did or said something to her and spread that around. A witness protects me from that.

I have a lot of questions about evil. Did my Mother choose this? Is she aware of it? Could she choose to be rid of it? I suspect it is a relationship that cannot exist without consent. I suspect my Mother was given a choice. I think this presence is some sort of lie that seemed attractive to my Mother so she allowed it. I don’t think she is really aware of it but I think it feeds her misinformation and leads her to think, feel and behave in certain ways. It is some sort of miserable comfort to my Mother.

One time, after being in a horrible rage, my Mother said something to me that has remained with me. She told me that she didn’t understand why she acted so bad and why she was so cruel to me. It was a moment between moments when she was in control and aware when she said this to me.

All of this stuff scares me ….so I pray. I pray a lot. I think prayer is very, very important. I think evil can sneak into our lives easily. Prayer is like housekeeping. I don’t want a presence sneaking into my life. I don’t want to a puppet to and for evil. Perhaps this is why I have some contact with my Mother. I pray for her deliverance from this evil presence within her. I have not and would not talk to her about it. I think that would be most unwise. That thing inside her is very aware of me and I think it would be dangerous to confront it…. dangerous for me and for my Mother. I don’t know what to do. I think my Mother alone can choose to be rid of it. She does not know it is there most likely, but it would leave it she consciously and purposefully devoted her life to God and a loving, holy path in life. I can’t make that choice for her. The sad part is, I think my Mother really is miserable and lonely. This presence has robbed her life of joy. It has hurt me and others, but the main damage has been on my Mother. I do not know what to do.

Anyone have any ideas? They would be greatly appreciated.

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2 Comments
  1. You have such a beautiful heart! Woud it be ok to suggest a blog to you? You might already know of her. Her name is Judy. Her mother is very much like how you describe your own. http://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/blog/. I’m sure it’s hard to go through everything like you are, and have. I suspect that your mother is aware of what she is doing. Though I know posession exists, I think the issue is deeper than that. A mother is supposed to be loving, caring and protective of our children. To willingly (or not) be callous to that child, for the lifetime of the child, is something that there are no easy answers to or for. I understand where your heart is, only in the best way I can as I haven’t walked in your shoes. Whatever the cause, she has been psychologically and emotionally abusive to you, in very severe ways. That’s would be difficult for anyone to live through and try to be at peace with. Not only are you living with a type of loss of your mother (knowing your mother should be different toward you), you are also living with the damage caused by her. Please research Narcissistic parents. It might not give you any answers, but could rule out some possibilities for you, too. I wish I knew how to take the pain from you. You are a wonderful woman in spite of all you have been through. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

  2. I will look into her blog tonight. I really appreciate your time and energy to give me your insight. I really do get a lot from your writing. I follow your blog faithfully.Thank you for your kind words. I will check it out.

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