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Weirdo Beliefs, Positive Experience #21

February 2, 2013

I am a Christian, but I have a lot of esoteric beliefs. I believe in reincarnation for one thing. It is not that out there for me to accept. I believe in reincarnation because I do not believe God ever gives up on his kids. I also think we don’t have enough time to perfect ourselves in one life!

I have read a lot of the life between life stuff and am aware that there is a strong possibility that we actually select our own parents before birth. I, of course, wonder why I would have selected my Mother. Having her as a Mother has not been a loving, happy experience ever. Why would I do this to myself?

I think I actually picked a perfect Mother. She is awful but from that, I have become who I am. I learned so many important skills from living with her as a kid and from her abusive, cruel ways. It developed my inner life. It developed my spiritual life. It taught me how to be patient, loving and kind. It taught me all kinds of good things (not that I am always so loving or kind or anything).

I also think I probably volunteered to be my Mother’s daughter to help push her along in her development. I am my Mother’s worst nightmare because I have always and consistently been opposed to cruelty and selfishness. My Mother is not a fool. There are times when she wants and needs to be kind and responsive in life. It is sort of funny but I am the person she calls for guidance and help on how to draft a letter or deal with such a situation. Here is an example. One time a colleague of hers was given a great honor. That of course enraged my Mother. She knew she should not express her anger and rage about the colleague’s accomplishment. My Mother told me that she wanted to write a letter behind her colleague’s back to tell the people giving the honor that they had made a poor choice. She wanted to say really rotten things about her colleague in this letter. That is where I came into the picture. I was a teenager but my Mother asked me how she should respond. I suggested that she had two options. She could write the letter she wanted to write and be clear with her colleague about her feelings. (My Mother of course had wanted to write the mean letter behind the woman’s back and congratulate her to her face.) I recommended that she be consistent and honest. I told her the better option would be not to write a letter at all and to simply congratulate her colleague. Jealousy of course was what had enraged my Mother. This colleague earned the honor and this person was very kind and good to my Mother. Fortunately, my Mother took my advice and congratulated her colleague and did not write a mean letter about her. Of course, my Mother being my Mother, I am sure she whispered plenty of unkind things to other colleagues about this colleague who was honored. That is my Mother’s style. Anyway, I think it was a small victory that my Mother perhaps learned a bit on proper conduct.

I also suspect I picked my parents because my Dad needed me. Why he married my Mother I do not know. Perhaps she was different as a young woman. My Dad did comment to me one time that my Mother had become mean in her old age. My Mother treated my Dad horribly. My Dad and I were close. Her abuse was shared between the two of us until he died. Then it was all on me. I was able to leave the house when I was young and get away from her but my Dad was stuck with her until the day he died. I guess he could have left but my Dad was just not like that. In some weird way, he knew my Mother needed him. He had a noble soul and her abuse really did not touch him. It brought out compassion and empathy in him. Still, I think it made him weary. Having me as his daughter I think helped him cope. I would put up with my Mother’s abuse a million times over just to be supportive and to be with my Dad. I miss him so terribly much.

Weirdo beliefs, sometimes they help. True or not, I don’t know. I like to think there is a plan and a purpose to everything, including childhood abuse and cruel Mothers.

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