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Making Sense of Things, Positive Experience #22

February 7, 2013

I wrote recently about how I consider it a possibility that my Mother is possessed. I agree that sounds out there. I don’t think she is fully possessed, but partially. How did I come to that line of thinking about my Mother?

Things were never okay with my Mother. I knew things were not good. As an adult I sorted it out and realized that I had experienced emotional abuse. As a kid, I just knew I was unhappy and that I was afraid of my Mother. I thought her crazy behavior was triggered by me somehow. Later on I realized I really did not have anything to do with her cruelty. It really never occurred to me until a few decades later that perhaps there was more at play than just abuse…as if emotional abuse is not enough. I was seeing a counselor…. a priest/counselor. This man was highly educated and worked counseling priests and psychologists. He was and is the best of the best. He is the person who recommended that I read Peck’s book, People of the Lie. He recommended it after hearing me talk about my Mother. This book is extraordinary. It talks of evil. People who are evil do not have horns or do human sacrifices or drink blood. This book explains everyday people walking around who are quite evil. From this book, I went on to read Hostage to the Devil by Malachi Martin. That book is scary. So are a lot of the books I have read since these first two.

The information I discovered on evil fit my Mother. I do not take any joy in thinking this. I do not say it lightly. I don’t think it should ever be a light thing to categorize someone as evil. It is an official diagnosis now in the diagnostic manual and there are some people who fit it. I think my Mother is one who does.

Abuse is evil. I have no doubt about that. Abuse, as I see it, is usually a conscious choice. The person knows it is wrong but does it anyway for any multitude of reasons or for no particular reason. Some people who engage in abuse are mentally ill, but that does not excuse it exactly. It might help explain it, but it is not always an excuse. Some people are just freaking stupid and selfish and don’t care …then there are true sociopaths who lack a conscience and who actually enjoy hurting people. I think sociopaths are evil. I think my Mother is a watered down sociopath. I think she lacks a conscience…or it is very poorly developed….or she opted out of it….

There is some sort of undefined space that is evil. A sociopath is lacking a conscience and does not have a choice about that…like being born without a limb. Someone who choses evil or allows evil to overtake their conscience …. that better describes my Mother. It is like becoming a sociopath by choice…to wipe out one’s conscience. It is really is a tricky area….I don’t think evil people necessarily know they are wiping out their conscience. It is like a fungus that grows slowly and rots people’s souls.

It is a terribly scary thing I am saying here. Evil is not a light topic. No one really wants to believe it. No one really wants to accept that it is real and that it exists. It took me years really to think it is really a possibility that my Mother is evil. I read the books and learned a lot but I resisted this possibility. I am still not very comfortable with it. In fact, I am very uncomfortable about it.

When I got married, my husband did not believe that my Mother could be evil. He knew she was mean. He knew he was not at ease around her. He was aware of her cruelty toward me. He never doubted me but he thought the evil thing was ridiculous. That changed.

One time before my husband and I visited my Mother, we talked about the evil possibility. We decided to pray about it. We asked God to give us a sign to let us know one way or another about this horrible possibility. When we were with my Mother that day, I was sitting on a couch looking at a newspaper. I glanced up and I saw my Mother staring at me. Her eyes looked like a reptile’s eyes. There was pure hatred in them. Not the first time I had seen that but it was quite horrible. It was a look that shakes a person to the core. My husband saw it too. I saw him go white. He was unable to talk for several hours. Later when we were home, he told me he had never experienced such a horrible feeling before. He was frightened and he also came to believe that we had gotten our sign. We are very, very careful around my Mother. My husband is not afraid of too many things in this life, but my Mother makes him very uneasy.

Evil, I think, has a way of knowing things. There is a mystical element to it, not in a good way. As a child, my Mother did things and knew things that did not make sense. There seemed to be an outside entity working through my Mother that sometimes defied reality. I think that is how my spiritual life and prayer life developed. Prayer blocked her.

I do not know if any of this is true. It is what I think, what I suspect, what I fear. Somehow it is a positive thing for me to be aware of all of this because it keeps me on my toes around my Mother. I do not think I can put my guard down for a minute. I do not fear my Mother. I fear the thing inside her. It just works through her. That does not let my Mother off of the hook. She is entirely responsible because ultimately, she allowed if not invited evil into her life. Whatever it is, even if it is not some outside entity working through her, either my Mother or this evil thing is dangerous and cruel. I do not think my Mother is dangerous physically. She may well be capable of physical harm through neglect. In fact, I am sure of that. Whenever I was sick or after surgeries when I could not care for myself, she never was interested in giving me food or drink or helping me get my medicine… I think the spirit in her primarily thrives off of the suffering of others. My Mother is never so happy as she is when she sees me in misery. My tears make her smile. My pain makes her gleeful. It has always been that way.

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