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So long angst, Positive Experience #23

February 8, 2013

I am sorry my posts have been so dark as of late. I am digging deep to try to get clear myself. It is not an easy thing to admit that I think my Mother is evil. It gives me the creeps. My Mother is creepy.

I am grateful for this blog. It allows me to do deep soul cleaning. Having witnesses to my words is helpful. It is like coming out the closet and admitting who I am and what I think. I do take a few liberties to disguise my identity. Do I really have one sibling or 10? I distort things like that to be anonymous. I am actually getting to the point I am not very worried about that. I may sign my real name one day. I don’t think that is important to do but I am not so afraid of my relatives finding out about this blog any longer. Let them read. Let them think whatever they want.

I like getting older. I feel less stressed by life. I don’t much care what people think. Older age is a reward. I am in my 50s by the way. I have gone through so much in my life. It is a blessing just to be alive. It is a blessing to feel like I am not at the mercy of anyone or anything. Life is not so hard any more. I am not struggling in any way any longer. I wiggle of course…I have been through such emotional angst, longing, pushing to find my way….worries, problems… so many things. My days are happy now. I am at peace. I have no unmet needs or wants. I am happily married. I have a wonderful life. I have to pinch myself from time to time. My students loans got paid off when I hit forty. Thought that would never happen. I have my own business now and work my own hours when I want. What a miracle that is. Life is just good.

A fellow blogger wished me peace recently. I am so grateful for that. I think that is the greatest thing of all… peace. I get worked up when I write about the past or about certain things or people, but it passes. For the most part, I really am at peace. I really am happy. I really am content. I find that amazing. I am grateful. I work at it. I choose peace.

I went through breast cancer. It was scary. It rattled me but peace came in time. I can still freak out from time to time about cancer but it gets easier to cope with time. I even look at breast cancer as a blessing. Everything is a blessing in time. Breast cancer really made my good marriage great. My husband has lost a bit of his edge and is consistently kind and gentle now. I think my cancer changed him. He used to be a bit of a hot head! No more. He doesn’t lose his temper or act gruff very often.

I am sure life will bring more challenges and misery. It is strange though. I don’t think I have a lot of fear or tears left in me. There is a calm I can’t quite explain. I had a strange childhood. I have a mean Mother. I have known crushing poverty. I have gone through rotten relationships. My Dad died. Friends and relatives have died. I had cancer. I just am not too afraid of anything anymore though. Losing my Dad was so hard. I don’t think anything could hurt that bad again. I have had cancer and I don’t think I could be more afraid than I was then of a health situation. There is just some feeling that whatever is in front of me, somehow I will face it. Nothing that happens is worse than the interior angst that goes on in our hearts. That is what is gone. Bad things can happen, but I don’t have that angst inside any longer. That is the blessing of blessings.

  1. Wow. Keep following the light, keep coming out of the pain. Bless you.

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  1. letting-go of angst « Suddenly Brilliance

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