Still in hell but not smoking…..

I have wanted a cigarette but today is day 5 without one. I wrote a long response to someone who commented to me about the smoking but somehow I lost it. I was talking about why I want to quit smoking….

I don’t why I want to quit really. I love smoking. Why would I want to quit? I told my doctor if I had another hand, I would probably use all 3 to smoke. I am insanely fond of smoking.

That is what is hard. It is not the quitting that is so hard. It is coming up with the desire to quit that is hard. I actually pray where I ask God to help me WANT to quit. I have prayed for the desire to quit for years. I still don’t feel it. So why am I quitting?

I know it is not healthy. I know it is a gross habit. I know smoke stinks. I know it is offensive. I know there is no good reason to smoke. There are so many good reasons not to smoke.

There is the obvious issue that smoking is associated with all kinds of illnesses and diseases such as lung cancer and COPD, etc. It is not just lung cancer…but cancer of others organs like the bladder. The tongue. The cheek. I probably would get ass cancer …or some oral cancer where I couldn’t cuss without some major lisp. I mean no offense to anyone. I am just thinking to myself here for reasons not to smoke.

Smoking is ASSOCIATED with cancer. It does not necessarily cause cancer. Lots of smokers never get cancer. Plenty of non smokers do get cancer. The research shows a correlation. It does not show causality. Still, it is a powerful association so there is no way one could really assume that smoking is healthy.

This is the kind of crap that goes on inside my brain. So why am I giving up smoking now? Not sure. Husband needs to quit and I want to support him. He won’t quit if I keep smoking. That is one reason. I also want to have reconstructive surgery on my boob that was cut off due to breast cancer. They won’t do the surgery if I am smoking or using any nicotine for two months prior to surgery. Lovely. Yes, I had cancer and I continued to smoke. Yeah, yeah, blow me.

I have read that after death, addictions are a problem for the souls. We have to detox and rid ourselves of our addictions if not in this life, then in the next and supposedly, it is harder in the next life. I guess there is some smoking tent outside the pearly gates where the smokers hang out until they give it up before moving on….or else they become some sort of ghost who haunts outside trash bins waiting for a smoker on earth to inhale and thus smoke vicariously. That sounds pretty creepy. I don’t want to do that.

It is hard to quit. It will never be easy or easier. It is an addiction. It is some chemical determining a whole lot of my life. Smoking impacts where I visit, how long I stay…etc etc. I hate visiting nonsmokers. I hate nonsmoking hotels. I hate having to go outside in the cold or hot to smoke when I am out in the world. I think in New York you can’t even smoke outside in the city. A lot of my life revolves around smoking. It is expensive and getting more expensive all the time.

I noticed that Easter is coming up soon. That caught my attention. Lent. That is a reason to quit. Lent is a time to make a small sacrifice for spiritual purposes. That helps me get some motivation.

It is day 5 and I am not smoking. I actually do think most of the nicotine is out of my system. I am glad I am doing this. I want to be free of addictions. I want to be in the driver’s seat of my life. I certainly am excited about the thought of NOT having to hear concerned friends and family who do not smoke give me little talks about how smoking is dangerous….like I have never heard that.

Smokers are a subculture of cool people. I really can’t stand most non smokers. That will be a challenge for me to be a part of the idiotic, self-righteous group that points fingers. Lord help me. Sorry if I have insulted anyone. I am struggling here. Nice is not what I am experiencing right now. I WANT TO SMOKE!!!