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I always expect to fail so this is me loving life!!!!!!

March 14, 2013

I am a loser. No doubt about it. I have always felt like a big fat loser. My Mother is a wolf and I am surprised she did not maul me at birth. I am pretty sure she would have if she had not been wearing the human disguise. My Mother, the big alpha wolf, was pretty good at turning the pack against me. I was one of those pathetic beta dogs that always was on the outside of the pack hoping for a little bit of food after all the big dogs had finished eating.

I broke from the pack long ago but the feeling of being an unwanted, beta dog has never left. I have had to be super strong to do anything. The thing is, I am not very smart or very talented or very strong in any way. I just had to be strong to survive on my own. Since I married Booger, we both are stronger and happier together. He came from a weird pack too and broke free. So we run together and we are tough …but inside, we both feel like losers. We know very well what it is like to have a big pack of alpha animals chasing us with destruction and hatred in their eyes. We bluff our way through life pretending not to be afraid. We are both terrified. I think that is why we both picked up cigarettes. I think that is why we both ate too much. It gave us some comfort. It felt like compensation for being half-starved as children. Cigarettes felt like our friends.

Booger and I have both lost over 50 pounds and we really don’t need to lose any more. We both are about the size we were as young beta dogs who were half-starved. We are lean and mean. We exercise and are in great shape. Of course, that feels like a lie to me because of my own insecurities. Booger still feels fat. He isn’t of course.

The smoking…we are off of it. I am extremely happy….and shocked. I can’t believe that Booger and I broke free from cigarettes and that we are happy about it. We have smoked for decades. We read that book by Allen Carr on stopping smoking easily and it worked…completely worked for us. The desire is totally gone from us to smoke.

Deep inside, I am sort of depressed. It is because smoking is sort of like some abusive people I have known in my life. I thought they were my friends. They weren’t. Cigarettes were out to kill me. Any comfort or happiness I ever got from them was a big fat lie. They just pulled me in to kill me. I am not depressed in a way to ignore the lie and start smoking again. I am just sad that I ever fell for the lie. Cigarettes are not anyone’s friend. They are deadly things out to destroy us.

The thing is here. I have always felt like a fat loser…a failure in life. I may be but I quit smoking and I am not fat! I am loving life.

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5 Comments
  1. The fact that u broke from the pack and also see that smoking was not ur friend shows you are not a loser. Sian

  2. Thank you Sian. I appreciate this.

  3. My friend, you are anything but a loser. You are beautiful soul, don’t ever forget that!
    I have nominated you for a Liebster award. Check it out http://sometimesihearmyvoice.wordpress.com/2013/03/27/ive-been-nominated-for-a-liebster-award/
    From my heart to yours.
    xxx

  4. gothrules permalink

    I understand the need to call yourself a loser – a blog is like a diary. You write your happiest thoughts and your unhappiest thoughts. it doesn’t mean you are correct but here is something interesting. Rather than take out your mistaken belief that you are a loser on someone else as your MM (miserable mother) did, you have channeled your anxiety into a blog, where you cannot hurt anyone else. A beta dog? I think not. Only an alpha could have this kind of strength. It takes more courage not to abuse and to practice self-control than it does to do the opposite.

  5. Thank you. I love your thoughts.

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