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Not dead, but maybe a bit of a zombie….

April 18, 2013

Okay, I am out of surgery and doing okay but these meds still make me feel ….hmmmm….not quite of this world. I figured today I might be a zombie…..

I am having flashbacks of all sorts of stuff. Maybe when some people are near death, they are gracious, kind and in a forgiving mood. I mostly get mad. I remember all the times my Mother said and did rotten things to me. I remember horrible people and their horrible ways. If there were some happy memories or experiences to balance it out, maybe I would feel a little more generous of spirit. I can’t lie to myself. If I was saying I felt warm and fuzzy things toward these mean people, it would be to try to win favor with Jesus or God for my salavation. God would know I was lying and that would make it worse. Even Jesus said he could not stand a hypocrite.

I was watching some show last night and there was some line in it about how when our body gets hurts, scar tissue builds up. When our spirit gets hurt, scar tissue also forms. We can never completely undo the emotional and spiritual wounds we inflict on others. Words can hurt and leave scars that last a lifetime.

I think parents don’t realize kids are people sometimes. They came through their parents but they do not belong to them. They have no right to say mean things or do mean things to their kids. If they slip, as all parents will, it is okay but it needs to be addressed. Pardon needs to be sought. I am not suggesting kids run the show and become wild animals who are selfish, spoiled and mean who lack of discipline. They just deserve to be educated with kindness and compassion.

I have thought about forgiveness. I am pretty open to forgiveness. I am open to forgiving my Mother of her horrible behavior toward me. The thing is, she never apologizes. She never owns that she has done anything. I can forgive her in my heart and go on but in real life, I cannot let her off the hook so easily. She needs to own up and ask for forgiveness in order to receive it in my opinion. Even with God, he is in the forgiving business, but he doesn’t hand it out to people who do not ask and make some attempt to atone for their behavior.

I am rambling. I feel like a zombie…not alive and not dead. My brain is oozing thoughts that a bit overwhelm me. I just get shocked and sad. My husband was telling me about a building he is involved with restoring. Some dude in the building went after a repair person with a knife….and it turns out the dude has AIDS. Generally I have empathy and compassion for someone with AIDS. This person though, wanted to hurt someone and pass on this disease. Then, when evicted, this person shit all over his apartment knowing someone would have to clean it up and be exposed to his disease. What kind of person does that? I don’t get it.

Why do people chose to be mean and hurtful? That is the question I have pondered all of my life. I am begging you to give me an answer.

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From → Random thoughts

2 Comments
  1. gothrules permalink

    Hon, you asked what kind of person goes after someone with a knife and craps on the floor to spread his disease. Your mother is that kind of person, except her disease is what you said earlier, in the spirit. She tried to pass it on to you and she failed. That`s one good thing you can carry with you all your life.

  2. Hi: I have read your responses tonight and have really appreciated them. You are so wise. Thank you for taking the time to write. You are awesome!

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