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2015 a happy new year!

January 7, 2015

I have not written on my blog in ages. I started this blog to try to heal, understand, recover, etc. from my relationship with my crazy mother. I was going through breast cancer too. It was a hard few years. I think I wrote in one of my entries that when I called my mother one Easter Sunday to wish her a happy Easter, she went off telling me how rotten I am…how no one loves me and I am worthless and all such fun things. It felt like a knife in my chest. I think her words upset me so much that it actually triggered the cancer. I do not know, but that is what I think. After developing breast cancer and SURVIVING it, I decided I would not longer give anyone the power to hurt me like my Mother had again. My mother essentially lost her power.

I did not stop having some interaction with my mother. I just limited contact and nothing she said got to me. She was mostly benign during the time I was going through cancer treatment. She wasnt overly kind but her hostility lessened. Then it increased. Her rage began again on the telephone. She once again starting talking to my husband telling him what a difficult, rotten person I am. Then she would want us to visit. She would call and act cheerful like nothing happened after one of her rage fits toward me.

I spent 3 days praying. Seriously. I finally wrote her the most kind note I could write and asked her to let go of the anger and for us to try to be kind to one another. I am 58 and she is 88! Good grief. I felt like it was important to try one last time. I promised to call her at a certain time after I sent her that kind letter.

She was ready for me. She apparently had written out a quick sort-of “I am sorry IF I did anything…” note. She read that to me and then she said she had something she wanted to talk to me about…. which she did. She went on to tell me how much she resented something I said in the letter….something about telling her I was sorry she always seemed sad when I was young. (That was sort of a kind lie…she really seemed angry instead of sad but I was trying….) That is what she resented. She went on and on and I finally just said, “Really…this is how you want to end this?” I had explained in the letter that this was the last great chance for our relationship.

I told her I was hanging up and that I was sorry for the choice she had made. I did hang up. All was quiet for a week or two. We actually got caller id so I could avoid her in case she called. She did call and my husband answered. She had used a cell phone so we did not recognize the number. She talked to my husband like nothing happened. She wanted to see us and all of that. She told him how she loved me. I guess she expected me to call her but I did not. The next week she called again and my husband answered again. She said she would do whatever it took to make things okay. Of course, she acted like a victim and went on to tell him how difficult I am and how hard it is to love me. She suggested we drive 3 hours to take her out to her favorite restaurant as a treat, a place she knows my husband and I do not like.

I took this opportunity to write her a letter. I told her that what it would take would be for the emotional abuse to stop. I explained it all to her. It was not mean. It was factual. I told her how she always pretended that she did not know what I was talking about and how she never was able to recall the abuse. I did not use the word abuse. I talked about how she would say unkind things to me and about me. I simply told her that if she wanted to have any relationship with me, the unkindness to me, the talking unkindly about me to others and such had to stop. I told her she could write to me as she tended to get really angry on the phone.

I have not heard from her since. No more calls. No more letters. I had the most relaxed Christmas season of my life. No mean calls or interactions from a shitty mother who has treated me like crap all of my life. It was the best present of my life.

Narcissistic personality disorder. That is her problem. As people age, they get worse, not better. Narcissistic disorder is a first cousin to a sociopath or psychopath. They do not have a conscience. They do not feel empathy. They use people and play people for their own amusement. My mother is happy when she sees me in pain. That is what she wants. I held out hope that if she ever understood what she was doing, she would stop. Who wants to hurt someone? A narcissist does. I gave her full detail of what she was doing that was hurting me but that did not change anything.

Writing her that last letter where I explained it all to her was a gift to her. If she had died and I never told her about what she was doing, I would have always wondered if she would have changed…was she really evil or was she just stupid. The answer is she is not stupid. If I was doing something that caused pain to someone, and I was not aware of it, I would want to know so I would stop. I don’t want to cause pain and suffering to others. I figure at age 88, my mother might want to think about the afterlife. If she did not know she was causing me pain, and I did not tell her, she would not have a chance to make it right before she leaves this world. I suspect to know and do nothing to correct it will not be looked on lightly in the next world.

I think no contact is the only way to go with a narcissist. I have debated that for years upon years. I have kept trying and trying but it never got better. My mother just caused pain and hurt every chance she could. She might have gone neutral for a bit as I went through cancer, but she still let some very mean comments slip here and there. I heard she told my aunt that I deserved cancer as I did not take care of myself. It was not true that I do not take care of myself and who deserves cancer no matter what?

I used to ponder how I would feel when my mother dies if I went no contact. I do not know. I do not care any longer. Anything and everything connected with her feels awful and sad so how could it get worse? Maybe it will be worse. I will always feel sad. I may feel very sad when she dies, not that she is dead, but that I never had a mother. I feel sad for the choices she has made. I would like to see her happy but she feels happy when she hurts people and that is too high a price to pay. I do not understand any of this. I am going to quit trying. I just know the pain is less without a pretend mother in my life. There are no easy choices when your parent is a narcissist.

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6 Comments
  1. Lilly, I am sorry I missed seeing this entry! I know how much the finality of this must have hurt terribly, but also must have brought you some peace. You are a wonderful woman, with a kind heart, even in the middle of the most atrocious emotional abuse at the hand of your mother.. You did what you had to do. She can’t manipulate you or cause you any pain, anymore. I am sorry it came to this. We always hold onto hope, even to our own detriment, sometimes. I hope this finds you well and cancer FREE!! ((hugs))

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate what you said. I am cancer free and doing well. Hugs to you also!

  2. I googled ‘mean mothers’ and your blog came up. I have read the book Mean Mothers and it has been very affirming to me. Thank you for your blog post. It’s such a taboo topic and I am such a black sheep in the family. It is so nice when I read someone else’s story and know that they truly get it. I have little contact with my mother and I am much happier for it. I also have been undergoing EMDR treatment (used successfully with PTSD and other trauma disorders) and that is helping me tremendously. I hope you continue to move forward. Never look back. Its not worth it.
    🙂

    • I am sorry you know what it means to have a mean mother. It is such a hard thing. I really appreciate your kind words and your encouragement! Sending you a big hug!

  3. What breaks my heart the most is how much we need our mommy. People even try to have a relationship with a mean, undeserving mother because the need for that bond is so instinctual. But a mean mother is not a mother. She is a monster and will never ever change.

  4. p.s. It is now 2016. I cannot forget your blog or you. I refuse to let you disappear. You have a lot of insight, anger, kindness, struggle, triumph and most importantly survival to offer people who have grown up with a narcissistic mother. You really need to blog again.

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