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Alive and doing great!

September 24, 2016

I rather forgot I had a blog until I got some comments a few minutes ago. I started this blog to try to sort through the nightmare that surrounded my Mother. The relationship with her was always hard and problematic. It worried me to no end. Every time I spoke to her, it would take me days to recover. It sounds insane. It was insane. I actually like people and have spent a lot of time around a lot of different people. There has never been anyone in my life ever who had the impact on me that my Mother had. I think if I prayed for God to send me a person who could humiliate me, shame me, make me feel suicidal, hopeless, defeated and anything else that is horrible, the only person who could fit that bill would be my Mother.

Notice I am speaking in past tense. My Mother died a year and a month and a few days ago. My Dad died in 1997. I miss him and mourn him every day. When I think of my Mother though, that she is dead, I have to report that I am not crying or feeling sad. I am never happy to hear that someone is dead, but with my Mother, I certainly am not unhappy that she has gone on to her reward.

I always wondered how I would feel when she died. I suspect all kids of a narcissistic parent wonders about this. I am happy to report that I feel fine and my life is ever so much easier. I don’t poop my pants every time the phone rings where I expected to hear her voice. I look forward to each day knowing that there is no one in my life that has an agenda to personally torment and make me feel worthless. There is no one trying to use me and drain me. There is no one calling my husband, family and friends talking trash about me. My Mother loved to call my husband to try to convince him how awful I am. I no longer am put into a guilt cycle about anything. I could go on for a few hundred pages, but I guess I have made the point. I had a little music box that I bought years ago that plays the wicked witch is dead. I saved it for when my Mother died and I have to admit, I have turned the crank on that little box more than once in the past year.

Things have healed in my family since she died. My brother and sister discovered I am not the devil and actually speak to me and we have had many visits and fun experiences. There is no one playing us against each other any longer.

My Mother died at her home under hospice care. I spent several days a week there with her for several months. My brother and sister did their part too. She was in hospice for about 6 months. It was a long drive to get to her and I had to leave my business, my husband and our dogs every week for several days. I waited on her and helped her in all ways I could. She was not so far gone that she did not pull every mean trick she could. My Mother basically hated her 2 daughters and loved her son. About a week before she died, she sat us all down and said that she wanted her son to have everything. That went against our Dad’s will and her will but that was Mom. She didn’t want her girls to have a thing…but expected them to give up their lives to sit with her and do her bidding until she died. She didn’t get her way of course. My brother was very gracious and kind so there were no battles after the woman died. She tried to set it up for that but she was not successful.

My Mother died and I was there. I, along with 2 nurses, washed her body before she left the house. I washed her private areas. I did not make fun of her “nasty parts” as she liked to call my bottom or laugh at her like she liked to laugh at me. I didn’t do anything to degrade her in the manner that she had spent a lifetime degrading me. I washed her up with dignity…opened the window so her spirit could soar, and I packed up and went on to a life of freedom, ease and joy.

I am grateful, and this may sound and be terrible, that I outlived my Mother. I am 59 years old and I just now feel like I have a normal life where I have love and peace. My Mother died at age 89. I fully expected her to live past 100 and to most likely outlive me. I have everyday issues and problems like anyone, but NOTHING is a problem compared to the horror and misery my Mother brought into my life every single chance she got. I am grateful to be alive and I am grateful to know what it is like to be grateful to be alive. I have that now that she is gone.

  1. Sherry permalink

    I am happy for you. However, I would never have taken care of her like you did. I disassociated myself from my mother about nine years ago now. I have decided that if someone treats me bad, family, friend, co-worker, whomever, I just quit being in their lives. That truly was the best decision I ever made. Allowing toxic relationships to fester does nothing good for me and therefore my family. I love reading your posts. Thank you.

    • I agree with your decision 100%. I did not want to take care of her but it would have fallen on the rest of my family so I did my part. I also lived in hope that when death was staring her in the eyes she might wake up so to speak. She nearly died in the hospital and when she survived and was put on hospice, she thought it was so she could mend the relationship with me. Of course that meant that she was expecting me to be what she wanted, not to make amends or change herself! I did ask her toward the end, after much thought, what I ever did to make her hate me. I was crying and I explained that I always felt like she hated me and I would always wonder what I ever did…and would appreciate her telling me. She actually said that I did not do anything…she was just a bad Mother. Within a half a minute, she was on to something else. It didn’t seem to put a big impression on her, but it was a big deal for me. I am still in shock that she said it. I don’t really see it as an act of kindness on her part. In some ways, it was a way to let me know she had been in successful in hurting me all of my life….and it was for no reason other than she could. There was no apology…no saying that she didn’t hate me…no regret. It was simply time for me to fetch her a snack.

  2. Congratulations! Even though I’m not “supposed to” be, I’m happy for you and can understand what you mean. The late Nora Ephron put it well:

    “For a long time before she died, I wished my mother were dead. And then she died, and it wasn’t one of those things where I thought, Why did I think that? What was wrong with me? What kind of person would wish her mother dead? No, it wasn’t one of those things at all. My mother had become a complete nightmare.”… “Long before she died, I’d given up on her.”

    I know a little about how different and normal life can be without that one person seeking out your every joy and poisoning it. Not enough, but enough to know it’s true.

  3. Susan Clark permalink

    Thank you so much. I really enjoyed reading what you said. I love that quote. It helps.

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