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I always expect to fail so this is me loving life!!!!!!

I am a loser. No doubt about it. I have always felt like a big fat loser. My Mother is a wolf and I am surprised she did not maul me at birth. I am pretty sure she would have if she had not been wearing the human disguise. My Mother, the big alpha wolf, was pretty good at turning the pack against me. I was one of those pathetic beta dogs that always was on the outside of the pack hoping for a little bit of food after all the big dogs had finished eating.

I broke from the pack long ago but the feeling of being an unwanted, beta dog has never left. I have had to be super strong to do anything. The thing is, I am not very smart or very talented or very strong in any way. I just had to be strong to survive on my own. Since I married Booger, we both are stronger and happier together. He came from a weird pack too and broke free. So we run together and we are tough …but inside, we both feel like losers. We know very well what it is like to have a big pack of alpha animals chasing us with destruction and hatred in their eyes. We bluff our way through life pretending not to be afraid. We are both terrified. I think that is why we both picked up cigarettes. I think that is why we both ate too much. It gave us some comfort. It felt like compensation for being half-starved as children. Cigarettes felt like our friends.

Booger and I have both lost over 50 pounds and we really don’t need to lose any more. We both are about the size we were as young beta dogs who were half-starved. We are lean and mean. We exercise and are in great shape. Of course, that feels like a lie to me because of my own insecurities. Booger still feels fat. He isn’t of course.

The smoking…we are off of it. I am extremely happy….and shocked. I can’t believe that Booger and I broke free from cigarettes and that we are happy about it. We have smoked for decades. We read that book by Allen Carr on stopping smoking easily and it worked…completely worked for us. The desire is totally gone from us to smoke.

Deep inside, I am sort of depressed. It is because smoking is sort of like some abusive people I have known in my life. I thought they were my friends. They weren’t. Cigarettes were out to kill me. Any comfort or happiness I ever got from them was a big fat lie. They just pulled me in to kill me. I am not depressed in a way to ignore the lie and start smoking again. I am just sad that I ever fell for the lie. Cigarettes are not anyone’s friend. They are deadly things out to destroy us.

The thing is here. I have always felt like a fat loser…a failure in life. I may be but I quit smoking and I am not fat! I am loving life.

Not smoking and smiling…..

I have been a smoker so long it is a big adjustment to being a nonsmoker. I am a nonsmoker though and I am very, very happy. I am finished with smoking. I have had my last one. I prayed for God to remove the desire and to help me because I knew I could not do it. God is still listening. Sometimes I forget that. God is real. Where we can’t, he can. It is nothing short of a miracle that I am not smoking. Freedom is wonderful.

Stop smoking by taking nicotine? Insanity…..

I read in Allen Carr’s book how it is insane to use a nicotine product to get over nicotine addiction. Who would recommend heroin to break a heroin addiction? It really is insane. If anyone reading this smokes and would like to just have the desire to quit, read Allen Carr’s book. I am in shock, totally in shock. I have been a hard-core smoker for years and years. I have never wanted to quit. I have prayed just for the desire to quit. I read this book and when I finished it, I no longer wanted to smoke and I have not had a puff or a desire since I finished the book. This is unbelievable to me.

I have been working on the non smoking for the past month or so and I was fairly successful but it was a struggle. I sneaked puffs. I thought about smoking all of the time. I wanted a cigarette every minute. I was depressed. Now I am 100% off of the smokes and I have absolutely no desire for a puff. I am not feeling deprived.

I am happy now. Really happy. I want a cigarette about as much as I would like to kiss a Copperhead. It is just repulsive to me to think of having a smoke. I would just as soon lick insecticide as light a cigarette. Something about reading this book has just given me the absolute desire NOT to smoke. It is a blessing. I am so very, very grateful. I never really thought I could do this. I have prayed. I have tried. I have failed but not this time. I am a champion!!!!!!!!

Free at Last, Thank Gold Almighty……………

Smoke free here and loving it! No more urges. No desire. No cravings. Not overeating. Happy, Happy, happy. It can be done.

I just read the The Easy Way for Women to Stop Smoking by Allen Carr. His book is awesome. It works.

It is like escaping hell. Nicotine is an addiction and it does not go away until it is stopped completely and it is out of your system. Patches do not work. Nicorette does not work. Smoking less does not work. Not smoking works. That is all that works.

It has been over a week of giving up the addiction

Still giving up the smokes. Cigarettes. What a nasty habit. Hard. Still hard. Around 98% success. No more puffs. Gum….lots of fluid….more gum….AAHHHHHHHHHHHH

Rings of hell…day 7

I never thought I would be able to give up cigarettes. I love smoking so much. This is day 7 without a cigarette. Okay, I am going to come clean. My husband and I have had a few puffs. I am not counting those. I don’t have a patch. I have some nicorette gum but somehow it bothers my stomach so I can’t use it. The whole deal about giving up smoking is getting the nicotine out of your system and then just not smoke or use any nicotine products. I think it is great to use a patch or the gum to wean off the nicotine. I think the few puffs I have had are okay. Each day I want cigarettes less. Each day is easier. I actually do think most of the nicotine is out of my system now. I am drinking lots of fluids and chewing regular gum a lot.

I have written about losing 50 some pounds in the past year. I did it because the doc told my husband that he was going to get diabetes if he didn’t drop some weight so we both changed our eating habits. He also has lost 50 some pounds. With this stop smoking thing, neither of us want to gain weight. Getting control over my eating habits was easier than this cigarette thing. Still….trying to keep up healthy eating while not smoking is a challenge.

My concentration has improved. For the first couple of days, I could hardly focus on anything but the craving for cigarettes. My energy is high. I stay busy to keep my mind off of smoking. It doesn’t work but I stay busy anyway. It helps somehow. I think drinking lots of fluid helps. I have heard that fresh juice, like orange juice, flushes nicotine out of the body. It also seems to help to eat regularly. It takes some edge off.

I burn incense and the smoke is nice. I like the mental self-talk. I see myself fighting with this crazy addiction and winning. I don’t feel like much of a winner at anything so this is good. My blog is mostly about my insane Mother and her abusive ways so I will tell you that I think about when she saw the staples in my chest after breast surgery. She smiled. I want to be successful at this because she doesn’t want to see me succeed at anything. She is happy that I am deformed. I want to have the reconstructive surgery just to annoy the crap out of her.

The more I think about it, nicotine is like abuse. It gets into your system and it feels normal. You get used to it. It is dangerous. It is unhealthy. It is a freaking nightmare to rid nicotine and abuse from your life. I am going to be successful. I will not be controlled by cruel, harmful forces.

I want to thank all the people who have sent me notes of encouragement. I am so happy about the strength of so many wonderful women who have told me about giving up this awful habit. Thank you. And this brings up another point. I have noticed that as I have given up cigarettes, emotions are on the surface. It is good. I have smoked away my feelings instead of feeling them. I am feeling such gratitude. It feels wonderful.

Still in hell but not smoking…..

I have wanted a cigarette but today is day 5 without one. I wrote a long response to someone who commented to me about the smoking but somehow I lost it. I was talking about why I want to quit smoking….

I don’t why I want to quit really. I love smoking. Why would I want to quit? I told my doctor if I had another hand, I would probably use all 3 to smoke. I am insanely fond of smoking.

That is what is hard. It is not the quitting that is so hard. It is coming up with the desire to quit that is hard. I actually pray where I ask God to help me WANT to quit. I have prayed for the desire to quit for years. I still don’t feel it. So why am I quitting?

I know it is not healthy. I know it is a gross habit. I know smoke stinks. I know it is offensive. I know there is no good reason to smoke. There are so many good reasons not to smoke.

There is the obvious issue that smoking is associated with all kinds of illnesses and diseases such as lung cancer and COPD, etc. It is not just lung cancer…but cancer of others organs like the bladder. The tongue. The cheek. I probably would get ass cancer …or some oral cancer where I couldn’t cuss without some major lisp. I mean no offense to anyone. I am just thinking to myself here for reasons not to smoke.

Smoking is ASSOCIATED with cancer. It does not necessarily cause cancer. Lots of smokers never get cancer. Plenty of non smokers do get cancer. The research shows a correlation. It does not show causality. Still, it is a powerful association so there is no way one could really assume that smoking is healthy.

This is the kind of crap that goes on inside my brain. So why am I giving up smoking now? Not sure. Husband needs to quit and I want to support him. He won’t quit if I keep smoking. That is one reason. I also want to have reconstructive surgery on my boob that was cut off due to breast cancer. They won’t do the surgery if I am smoking or using any nicotine for two months prior to surgery. Lovely. Yes, I had cancer and I continued to smoke. Yeah, yeah, blow me.

I have read that after death, addictions are a problem for the souls. We have to detox and rid ourselves of our addictions if not in this life, then in the next and supposedly, it is harder in the next life. I guess there is some smoking tent outside the pearly gates where the smokers hang out until they give it up before moving on….or else they become some sort of ghost who haunts outside trash bins waiting for a smoker on earth to inhale and thus smoke vicariously. That sounds pretty creepy. I don’t want to do that.

It is hard to quit. It will never be easy or easier. It is an addiction. It is some chemical determining a whole lot of my life. Smoking impacts where I visit, how long I stay…etc etc. I hate visiting nonsmokers. I hate nonsmoking hotels. I hate having to go outside in the cold or hot to smoke when I am out in the world. I think in New York you can’t even smoke outside in the city. A lot of my life revolves around smoking. It is expensive and getting more expensive all the time.

I noticed that Easter is coming up soon. That caught my attention. Lent. That is a reason to quit. Lent is a time to make a small sacrifice for spiritual purposes. That helps me get some motivation.

It is day 5 and I am not smoking. I actually do think most of the nicotine is out of my system. I am glad I am doing this. I want to be free of addictions. I want to be in the driver’s seat of my life. I certainly am excited about the thought of NOT having to hear concerned friends and family who do not smoke give me little talks about how smoking is dangerous….like I have never heard that.

Smokers are a subculture of cool people. I really can’t stand most non smokers. That will be a challenge for me to be a part of the idiotic, self-righteous group that points fingers. Lord help me. Sorry if I have insulted anyone. I am struggling here. Nice is not what I am experiencing right now. I WANT TO SMOKE!!!